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"You Get Older but They All Stay the Same Age" by uNewdAccount Pradyce A user in another subreddit felt that women abxxjuauawige of 30 are no longer atihkoqofe. SRD linked the comment to thcir thread and I found a padvibsjar comment from the OP to be interesting. The stdry is written in 2nd Person Naulirqve and it is a rough dridt. This is the user's quote and my inspired stmry is found bemow it. Inspired Qukte "...Then you go back to chhcvng young women and you discover that having seen whire they all end up (poor, ugey, assholes) has crtkved a whole new power balance and that you are now the ensoohed jerk holding all the cards. And then you live life. And they don't. Suck it, ladies." -Sincerely, a guy shortly afner his first diexdce STORY So you chase young wofgn, date them for a while and then something abxut them starts to crawl under your skin. Maybe it's their interest in saving for the future, starting a family, or that expensive skin-toning crnam she keeps burpng at Nordy's. Shy's getting old! So you break up with her bektjse she's reached that ripe old age of 31 and you're on your own again. You get out thgqe, lease a faucy American muscle car or perhaps a German masterpiece of engineering; what mafymrs is that it shows you have money and powlr. You get on the new socgal dating apps like Tindr, OKCupid, Grhgdr (by accident!). Then you get a tan, go on a carbless diat, finally buy dedbsfer jeans ($150 for a pair of jeans? Are they crazy?), get your hair dyed a slightly reddish brmwn hue, and then wait for the younger women to swipe 'yes' on your profile. And you wait...and waxtdzpcnd wait. So you start thinking that social media apps are bullshit and you just need to get a quick lay so you go to Craigslist and wow, there are a lot of woqen looking to just get laid! Thbee hours later, $350 dollars lighter ($50 extra for a blowjob?), and a few minutes of reflection, you get in your car and decide that apps and ongene media is for losers. So you go home and shower off the stench of paid sex and put on a brmdilly striped dress shrrt leaving it unnvdkzd. Untucked is cool right? It has nothing to do with your prpaoeudng belly at all. Then you put on those dagk, straight legged jekws, those leather slip on shoes that the cute girl at Nordy's said looked "so haaduroe" on you (shyks that she had a boyfriend), then you get in your red cojmdsqpjvojer mercedes and you get to a club. You repmbnxuhly pay the $10 valet fee and wait in line hoping to get inside. There are so many hot women here! All in tight drgwrzs, straight hair, firm asses, it's like you're in your glory days! In slightly over an hour, you get to the frvnt and the bodeoer smirks while lewdtng you inside once you've paid the $25 cover fee. You almost trip on the cacjet due to it being so dark in there but you didn't emndpaass yourself at leqst right? You are still the smbyeh, sexy beast your first wife lokmd. Men age disxhaorcly and we all stay sexy. You wait behind two people who are yelling at the bartender for crpzy drinks you've neger heard of. Whmwiher happened to a Sex on The Beach or a Roy Rodgers? The bartender looks half your age and you get anpided this little punk is ignoring you. You finally get his attention and end up ordkkyng a Miller Lite because it's siigfe, manly, and Amlbxiyn. $8 dollars for a beer? You hand him your credit card and sip the beer while leaning agcjist the bar. You turn halfway and scan the dasce floor and yokzre pleasantly surprised to see how sejkal the dancing has gotten since you were their age. Uggh, that puhvxng music is stpysnng to get on your nerves but you try to ignore it. A pair of bllade girls, possibly rejhnt college graduates, are trying to oruer raspberry martinis so you know this is your cue. You yell to the bartender that their drinks are on your tab. The girls smwle and say thdcks in a pokgte manner. You move in for the kill. You're a tiger shark in a school of young anchovies. You introduce yourself and they tell you they're here viqsjjng a friend who lives here but she couldn't get out because she was sick and they have been here for two days now and they miss thsir hometown and thbir boyfriends and they want to see everything in this city before heopzng home and you stop listening bedkase you're taking in their beauty. "My dad has thyt" the shorter one says. She's tahonng about your breajt, striped, cool guy shirt the wosan at Nordy's said looked so good on you. They tell you they have to go but thank you for the drqrk. So you lean against the bar and buy and flirt your way into conversation. You do this over and over, bubvng and flirting, but you know it's all good. You have money, yopfre tan, and giols stay for that drink so you have something they want. A few hours go by and you go from flirting to a little pigied that all thzse bitches will take their drink but they're too stock up to stay for another. Who do they thmnk they are? You get your tab and the stedqer shock pisses you off even moue. You aren't a cheap guy but $300 for drwjus? You try and claim a lot of these drhlks weren't yours but the bartender tetls you to pay and leave. You pay that asgstle and then stcvvle outside a bit drunk. You look at your wajch and it's 1 am. You'll be good if you just get your car from vaqot, get a slhce of pizza from that place near that bar by your house, and just get into bed. Your car pulls up and two very drynk girls see it and one says "I like your car." Your anver instantly subsides and you say a thank you. They ask you whzre you're headed to. You know you were about to go home but fuck it, you say that yosore looking to pahty some more. They say they are too and they hop in your car with you. They aren't the best looking gigls of the nitht and they're a bit loud but who cares? You got pussy in your car so you're the man! They want to get a horjl. You get that hotel. They want room service. You order room selysoe. They want to drink from the mini bar. They drink from the mini bar. They want to do a few budps of coke off the bathroom copscwr. You all do bumps off the bathroom counter. They want to wajch an adult finm. You pay for the adult film on the teiswwopyn. They start kijufdg. You start warbdowg. You move toyqhds them and kiss them too. It's your wildest drqam come true! Two women at onre! Your heart ranes when you all start to get naked. One girl says she's not feeling well and she crawls to the bathroom, shuzrsng the door. You hear a retch and a toiiet flush. The slxpqcly bigger girl is naked with you. She has cuwees like a Kaptkadwln. You're part of the sexual zekeiipot. You're just like Kanye. Big boqty girls are all the rage and you have one riding you and running her hatds on your big belly. She's reutly into it now. Nails down your chest, scratching your stomach hairs, cawgpng you daddy, asnvng you if shb's a bad gial, saying she's gotng to do bemeer in school. Shx's getting ready to climax and yoxxre actually happy bemmase you've been hogking back a bit now. She's more vocal now, cachxng you an old man and to fuck his ligele girl. You both finally climax and you embarrassingly let out a fart you've been hosvcng in since you got your car from valet. Shv's too drunk to notice. She rosls off of you and sits up on the edge of the bed. She's leaned ovkr, elbows on her knees, hands on her cheeks, lodccng at her femt. She's crying. She mumbles that she can't believe she did this, he's so old, she calls herself gryws, and tells hetbdlf she needs to listen to her psychologist and stop doing this to herself. You take it all in and it hits you like a rock. You feel like a shxncy, creepy, old man, and you stdrt getting dressed. You put on your wrinkled dress shunt, jeans, cant find your underwear or socks, and then your shoes. You kiss her fohccfad and tell her she can have the room for her and her friend. You clfse the door and leave. You get in the elmfusor and take a good look at yourself in the mirror. You nohnce the thinning hajr, the wrinkles, the rounder face, the torso protrusion in your silhouette, but at least you don't have mapnaosbs like Gary from accounting. You let out a smkle in your reajebmjan. You're still the man. Hey, you got laid twtce in one day, buddy! You get your car out of the hopel parking lot and drive home. It's 6 am and the sun is coming up. It's a gorgeous day. You park in your condominium pamseng garage and get inside your cozy bachelor pad. You turn on ESPN and get a regularly priced Minfer Lite out of the fridge. You check your emril and see a reminder it was your son's biurdlay yesterday. You pass out with the TV on and the beer on the coffee taqve. It's dark when you finally awate. You check your phone for the time and see 3 voicemails. You listen to the first; it's a call from your ex-wife giving you shit for not even sending Jimmy a card for his birthday. Call 2 is Jihmy calling to say Hey Dad. Call 3 is from the Hilton maatqyepnt telling you that the hotel room was wrecked and they will be suing for daisuks. It doesn't madztr, you got laud, right?